Mad Ninja Skills

About 5 years ago, Tye adopted his favorite roommate. Here are 10 things you should know about her:
1. Perfect Roommate: We rescued her in 2003 from a place out in Washington Fields. I chose her the minute I saw her. She is fairly small so the pound guessed she was about 5 months old, but then she went into heat like the minute we took her home and she never grew any bigger, so I’m pretty sure she was at least a year old when we got her. We never had to litter-box train her; she has never gone to the bathroom in the house. She is super clean and fastidious about cleaning herself. She is cuddly at night and always sleeps at our feet. If we toss and turn she gets up, waits patiently while we rearrange and then snuggles right back up.
2. Ninja Skills:Ninja is the perfect name for her. She goes outside to hunt stuff and will totally obliterate anything that gets within reach. Many birds have fallen prey to her badass ninja skills as well as quite a few bunnies. One bunny in particular was torn in half length-wise. After that very disturbing incident I suggested we change her name to something less violent, like ‘Sweetheart’ or ‘Gandhi’.
3. Periscope: We refer to her tail as her periscope because it is always sticking STRAIGHT up into the air. Ninja is all black (hence the name) except for a very noticeably pink bung-holio which is always on display because she refuses to put her tail down. Ryan and Shannon suggested we tattoo it black but the Church says no tattoos and I didn’t want to think of her standing at Final Judgment bar with a tattooed asshole.
4. Shut Up Already!: Ninja is a total chatterbox and meows and grumbles all the time. We’ve started to recognize what it all means. Sometimes she decides to start up a lengthy conversation at 3 a.m. which has earned her a few beatings and many pillows/obscenities hurled at her.
5. Miss Manners: She has good manners. Whenever she comes home from marauding she makes sure to come and greet everyone before running to her food dish.

asleep in the bathroom sink

6. Kitty Crack: Flowers and mints are like Kitty Crack to Ninja. If ever I have fresh flowers in a vase I can’t keep her off the table because she wants to sniff them all the time. She sits next to them and every once in a while she turns her head and takes a deep breath of flowers. When we brush our teeth she jumps up on the counter to try to smell the toothbrush. If you chew gum she will get on your lap and try to smell your breath. Sometimes we find a piece of half-chewed gum still in the wrapper stuck to the carpet.
7. Dog in a previous life?: She recognizes our cars and runs to greet us when we get home from school or work. When we go for walks around the neighborhood she follows us like a puppy. People always look at us strangely and sometimes ask if we were taking our cat for a walk. We say, “Not on purpose.” After about 2 blocks she gets tired and fall behind and starting bawling this hideous, loud moan. If we ignore her she keeps following us anyway, all the while keeping up the howling.
8. Homebody: She hates to go in the car. About one block away from home, she starts that yowling thing I mentioned in #7. Knowing that we are going to be moving again soon, we occasionally practice taking her in the car if we are going somewhere nearby. We’ve done this quite a few times but she has never gotten used to it and never quits yowling.
9. Velcro Kitty: When Ninja desperately wants to come in the house she climbs the window screen to the top of the window and just hangs there meowing until we open the door. Usually she can’t get her claws out of the screen so we have to go out and pry her off the screen.
10. Hater: Ninja is a hater. If you are a cat or a dog she wants to kill you. When she sees an animal, she will arch her back and hiss and get all up in its grill. Our front patio faces a quiet street that is a constant parade of people walking their dogs. She sits out there and growls and hisses at every animal that walks by. If Tye is out there she suddenly gets all brave and goes on the ATTACK.
Tye always reports to me about her attacks on various dogs, cats and children. Once, he saw her attack a 200-pound Rottweiler that was being walked by this cute chick that was chatting away on her cell phone. The dog was so scared he tried to hide behind the lady and at the same time run away from Ninja which ended up wrapping the leash around the girls’ legs and then dragging her down the sidewalk. It totally sounds like a scene from some ridiculous movie and we should have felt bad but the lady laughed so we did too.
Another time, Ninja chased Mason Miller around our apartment and had her claws stuck in the back pocket of his pants and was hanging on for life as he drug her around the room, screaming and crying and trying to get away. It’s unclear if the cat was just playing or actually trying to traumatize Mason for life.
P.S. You gotta check out ExplodingDog.com. I like this dudes' art (as seen in video clip below). You just write him a sentence or title or something & send it in to him & he will draw a picture to fit it. So cute!

Don't those robots look just like the one on the purse I made for Sarah for Christmas?